Day 5: Conversations with the Past Subtitle: Acknowledging the grief I buried for ten years
I acknowledge that I have not dealt with the loss of my son, even though it has been ten years.
At the time, my grief was pushed to the dark recesses, both by those who felt my grief — as the mother, the giver of life — was somehow secondary to theirs, and by me.
Because it was easier to survive than to feel. It was easier to push the loss down than to let it swallow me.
I focused on my oldest son, who was still here. Who needed me more than ever. Who became the reason I stayed.
Because there was a part of me that didn’t want to. There was a part of me that wanted to follow my youngest. That wanted to be where he was, regardless of the cost.
No one tells you how complex grief is. That it will ask you to choose between the living and the dead. That it will make you feel guilty for surviving. That it will make you forget how to breathe, and then shame you when you remember.
But tonight, I sit with it. Not to fix it. Not to erase it. But to finally say:
I lost my child. And I buried my grief so deep that I forgot it was mine.
This conversation with the past isn’t about blame. It’s about reclaiming the parts of me I abandoned in the name of survival. It’s about allowing myself to finally grieve out loud.
In Loving Memory Kyle Evan Kirby September 12, 1991 – February 19, 2015
Conquer: Wake up Determined, Go to Bed Satisfied.
This pays tribute to Kyle but also shows that his life was taken far too soon. Kyle was an old soul who always seemed to know beyond his years. His essence was strength, courage, and pure joy. He never saw what everyone else saw. He saw more. He felt more. He loved harder.
I walk through life because my journey is not done, but there is not a day in which I do not wonder when I will get to see him again.
And when I do, I will wrap my arms around him so tightly, I will never let him go.
Journal Prompt: What part of your grief have you silenced in order to survive? What would it feel like to give that grief your full attention?
Spotify Song Pairing: "See You Again" – Wiz Khalifa ft. Charlie Puth
https://open.spotify.com/track/2JzZzZUQj3Qff7wapcbKjc
https://open.spotify.com/track/3DomZqfPipT9EJzZ2CzUeB
Every chapter counts — even the ones you thought were too painful to write. Especially those.
Tonight, speak to the part of you that still aches. It deserves to be heard.
Until tomorrow, hold space for your heart. Some wounds don't need to be healed to be honored. And some chapters will always echo with love.
— Stacey
