DAy 19: Searching for Balance Between Giving and Being
16 Aug 2025:
Last night I didn’t write. I was tired, and if I’m honest, in a mood that wasn’t ready to spill into words. Tonight feels different. The day was spent outside in the heat, helping Neal with the porch, and though I’m worn out, I’m here, showing up to this commitment I made to myself.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my future—the career path I’m stepping into and the personal life I keep trying to figure out. On the professional side, I feel steady. Thanks to the groundwork I’ve laid, the consulting business is ready to launch. My lawyer has confirmed that the dissolution of marriage protects this space as mine, untouched by the past. That piece feels strong, like new boards on a foundation that will hold.
The personal side of me, though, is still tender. People sometimes say I’m guarded, but the truth is I feel too much. I give too much. I let people in with my whole heart, and when the disappointment comes—as it often does—I’m left wondering if I will ever find someone who truly knows how to give back.
I’m not perfect; I have my flaws like everyone else. But I crave the relationship that lasts—the one where communication, honesty, and trust become the glue that holds things together when days aren’t “perfect.” And yet, there’s a quiet voice in me asking: What if it never comes?
If it doesn’t, then I owe it to myself to find a different kind of happiness—the kind that doesn’t depend on someone else’s consistency, but instead on my own ability to nurture me. To, for once, put my needs at the center instead of always putting myself second.
It feels scary, but maybe that’s the work I need to do now. To learn how to “just be.”
✨ Tonight’s Reflection ✨
I have always been guarded, protective of myself. Too many disappointments have left me this way. Yet, here I am, opening myself up to reflection, to healing, to the possibility of love and trust again. This journey is scary, but necessary. It is the path to becoming whole.
Prompt for Reflection
What part of yourself have you been putting second for too long? How would your life shift if you chose to put that part first, even for just one week?
Quote of the Day
"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." – Buddha
🎶 Tonight’s soundtrack: *Unwritten* – Natasha Bedingfield
